Could you sit in a restaurant, ready to enjoy a huge piece of chocolate cake, while none of your six companions indulged? Would you worry about being judged as a piggish, unhealthy eater? Would you feel anxious about what they might say? Would you be able to eat your cake and enjoy it too?
I am the lone cake eater described above. As I lifted my fork, ready to savor that gooey first bite, my friend’s husband’s eyes widened as he made a comment to his wife. The background noise prevented me from hearing what he said but, I did hear her reply, “Oh, it’s O.K., she ate a small dinner so she could have the cake.” While this was true, and I appreciated my friend’s “defense,” it reminded me that what I eat is not anyone’s concern but mine.
After ditching my dieting ways the last thing I need is a mommy-like voice commenting on my food choices. I’m the only one who knows what I’ve eaten that day, how much I’ve exercised, what foods work best for me, and what I’m craving.
I retold this story to another friend who asked, “So, what did you say?” Nothing. I said nothing. It’s taken me years to learn that responding in-the-moment, when my buttons are pushed, doesn’t usually go well. So, I chose to let the comment slide and enjoy my cake.
Maintaining my healthy relationship with food is a daily intention and takes daily practice. This means eating when I am hungry, stopping when I am full, and making my true food choices without fear or concern about the contemptuous looks, critical comments (and downright jabs) others might make. After ridding myself of my inner judgmental voice, why would I want to hear it from others?
When do food conversations work best?
Food conversations are also tricky when we notice a friend or family member eats less than their body needs or they down too many glasses of Merlot. We may have genuine concern for their well-being. If that’s the case, and we want to help, mealtime is not the best time to broach the subject. This is difficult conversational territory for sure. Even well-thought words, delivered with the right tone, a caring intention, and at the best time may not result in a positive outcome. Basically, a quiet time away from the table is preferable to discussing food choices during the meal.
Have you been a food commenter?
I admit there have been times when I’ve been the food commenter. For about three decades of my life I was a dieting, overeating, dieting, machine. Need proof? I went two long years without a mouthful of pizza (one of my favorite foods). I was too quick to discuss my meal choices and too quick to put others’ food choices on the conversation menu. I spent more time talking about the foods I loved than eating them. I’d let out a, “You’re really gonna eat those fries?” before I could stop myself. Looking back I know it was because I wanted to eat those fries!
After reprogramming my mind and attitude towards eating, I now call myself a recovering dieter. This means I am more concerned with health and happiness than striving for an outward ideal that is programmed by the fashion and beauty industry.
How often have you heard or made comments like these?
Wow, that’s a lot of dressing!
That’s enough popcorn for all of us.
You’re not gonna eat all that, are you?
Or, maybe as you’re eating you notice your dining partner longingly staring at the food on your plate, as if it’s a long-lost lover.
I’ve been that longing dieter. I’ve been that over-focused food commenter. Now I’m at peace with my choices and just ask that others silently respect them.
So, I’d say that the time has come for all of us to bite our tongues and keep our food comments to ourselves. What would you say?
For anyone who might be interested, here are a few resources that have profoundly guided my journey:
- Overcoming Overeating by Hirschmann and Munter
- Eating in the Light of the Moon by Johnston
- Intuitive Eating by Tribole and Resch
- When You Eat at the Refrigerator Pull up a Chair (and anything else) written by Geneen Roth
In case you are now craving your own piece of chocolate cake…here’s a link to the cake picture (and recipe) from justaspoonfulof.com
Jamie as usual, you have hit the proverbial nail on the head. When I finally learned how to live with my love for food and maintain the weight my body accepts and I accept, I tried gently preaching what I had found to my friends. Discovered to never do that again, neither preach nor praise. Mum’s the word – it’s much too volatile a subject. Smiled knowingly at every word you wrote! Sheila
Thanks, Sheila. I hear your enthusiasm for finding what works for you and how it can be sticky to share it with others. I’ve also erred in trying to share my enthusiasm for various things with others, especially when it was not asked for. What I’ve learned is that when it’s presented as an invitation or offer rather than as a certainty it is much more palatable. Oops…did I just over-share my enthusiasm for what I’ve learned?
Another well made and well explained point, Jamie!! After reading it I am reminded of my father’s favorite dinner table rule: Keep your eyes on your own plate! Enough said. To each his own and happy eating…or not. xo
Thanks, Lisa, for sharing your father’s words of wisdom. See…this topic is not a new one!
While the comment your friends made sounds like it falls into the category of “mind your own beeswax,” wouldn’t you say there is more of a contiuum than a fine point on this issue? Just as you might speak up to a friend who doesn’t eat enough, is it ok to worry about someone’s unhealthy overeating yet never speak up? Would you do the same for a friend who indulges too much in other unhealthy addictions? I think we have a responsibility to our friends and family to look out for them, even though food is a tough topic. And isn’t all the political talk about banning soft drinks, rethinking school lunches, or labeling GMOs just another way for us to stick our noses in what others are eating? Some would argue we do hold a stake in one another’s food choices when it comes to healthcare costs for obesity, or simply that we have a responsibility to look out for our loved ones’ choices. I’m not saying your situation applies here, and if I were you I would not have been able to keep my mouth shut, fallout be damned. But I think it’s fair to say that there are times when what we eat IS other people’s business, and that it’s not a case closed subject. I know as a vegetarian I have made more than my share of comments to meat-eating friends on their meal choices. And I welcome them telling me to mind my own business, but I think as long as the tone is respectful, or you are doing it in the spirit of friendship, anything is on the table. But just passing snotty judgement is not.
Well said, Sharon! I appreciate all the nuances you’ve added to this discussion and I agree that it’s not so simple or clear cut. When we love and care about someone, we also care about their health. I think what makes the cake comment different is that it was made out of context from knowing the whole picture of me and my eating habits. If a friend or family member has concern about my health I would want them to share it with me in a caring, loving way. (I hope I’m not now bombarded by them for my dark chocolate habit
The husband at the table who passed the whispered comment about the cake was probably jealous at your ‘bold’ move to enjoy and savor a yummy piece of cake. HE might have issues with or rules regarding eating sweets. And he relayed them on to you in that moment.
Oh, don’t we all have a complicated relationship and history with food!! Such an important basic need that we have, over time, tied in with our emotions and memories. And each one of us has a unique history with it.
I hear what the previous commentor is saying about feeling a responsibility towards those we love when it comes to healthy choices – I’ve made many a comment about my husbands’ after dinner snacking or dinner choices or digging the McDonald’s bag that was stuffed way down in the garbage can out and made sure he knew I saw it. None of it done maliciously – he has acknowledged that he is overweight and should do something about it. He needs to be called on his bad choices from time to time. But I would not do it in public. And it’s done from a desire to keep him alive and my partner for a long time-not to humiliate him. But it’s hard to see it that way when you are on the receiving end.
Your knee jerk reaction is to defend yourself.
This all sort of reminds me of how I feel about people telling me I shouldn’t be smoking. I know it’s not good for me but I so enjoy my 4 cigarettes a day. And I am also at the point in my life where it doesn’t matter so much what other people’s opinions are. Life is meant to be enjoyed!!!! I just don’t smoke in front of others because I don’t want to ruin the enjoyment by worrying about what they think.
So, eat that cake everyone!!!! Life is such a roller coaster ride of highs and lows that we need to cherish those moments when you wrap your lips around a forkful of chocolate cake and close your eyes to savor that moment even more…..
I think I need some cake now
Nancy, Thanks for your awesome comment! You have such great insight into this issue and you’re so right about our food and eating histories. That’s another factor that a “food commenter” doesn’t know about us. With the comments about your husband’s weight, I would imagine that your intention is felt by him. Who wouldn’t appreciate that having a spouse who wants them to stay around. It’s a good thing for you that he’s also a smoker or he might be throwing some smoking comments your way in return! Hope you got that cake. If you did, I know you enjoyed it!
Again, another great blog! This time though I was left feeling like the real issue is less about food and more about surrounding ourselves with less critical people. The comment from your friend’s husband leaves me cold. Who gets to decide how much is too much food? Who gets to decide which foods are good for you and which foods are bad? Nobody’s business but your own.
I do believe there are times when as a friend who truly cares, you may need to step in and say something to a loved one with a true eating disorder – with love, empathy and kindness. But this does not include choices someone makes outside of our own personal choices (ie: dessert or no dessert, vegan vs meat eaters, french fries vs salad, etc.). No one likes to be judged or criticized! I would ask myself if my criticism of a friend’s diet is worth losing that friend over? And if you are a food commenter, you always have the choice not to eat with that person anymore either. To me, that is what is at stake.
You are so right, Aimee. Thanks for adding the notion of considering what’s at stake. I actually had a friend once say, “You should stop eating those fries right now,” when I was about halfway through my meal. I didn’t dine with that friend again for a very long time. When I did agree to eat with her I was prepared for how to respond if another food jab came my way. It didn’t and we’ve continued our friendship. I learned that I could let one comment slide by but if it became a pattern I’d need to speak up or distance myself from that friend. Thanks for continuing to read and offer your thoughts. It’s always great to hear from you!
Great line, Jamie:
Would you be able to eat your cake and enjoy it too?
You’re terrific.
All the best, Janie
Janie P. Edmonds, Ed.D. Learning is forever.
Thanks, Janie. So glad you enjoyed it!
It’s funny, I never thought of myself as being a food judger, but your post reminded me of a situation I observed just a couple of days ago. I was in an airport and two young women traveling together were sitting in front of me. One was very overweight and nibbling on a piece of fruit. The other had a “perfect” body; she was snacking on a bag of candy. I did not judge either one of them for the choices they were making, but it did strike me that it was unfair, and how hard it must be for the overweight person to nibble on her apple while her friend consumed a bag of M&Ms. I would never say anything out loud to anyone, but thanks for making me aware of my own thoughts – I am a closet food commentor.
I bet there are a great many other closet “food commentors” out there. Glad that my post helped you to gain awareness about this and hope others will too. It’s my wish that the apple nibbler was eating what she really wanted in that moment: be it an apple or M & M’s. If she was eating the apple because she thought she “should” my bet is she’d just find a way to eat the M & M’s later. Eating what I want and what my body needs frees me from my own food commenting and also helps me to judge others less. Thanks, Julie, for sharing your thoughts so beautifully.
Well, first I have to say that if I was out with you and saw how good your cake looked, I would probably ask what it was called so I could order my own!
However, you make a good point about commenters. I don’t think I’ve really been the type to comment on people’s food choices, but it’s something I will definitely be more conscience of. I feel as though unwanted comments may be a result of people continuously making comments about the diets they are on. It’s always been a pet peeve of mine when people feel the need to constantly announce they don’t do “x” because they are on a diet or the can’t eat “y” because they are watching cholesterol. First of all, you don’t owe me an explanation should you choose to be on a diet so do what you feel is best. Secondly, it makes me wonder if they are looking for something in particular when making these announcements. A medal or pat on the back? Sometimes, it really is best to keep that information to yourself. And perhaps once people do keep these things to themselves, others will feel less inclined to be a food commenter.
Terri, thanks for your comment. You make a good point about those who announce their diets. Back in my dieting days I had a tendency to do that. For me, making my diet public, was a way to help me “stay honest” and stick to my plan. I’m not sure if that’s what fuels other people’s pronouncements. But, thanks for adding that interesting perspective. Needless to say, I don’t have that type of conversation any more! And, maybe we could share a piece of cake sometime.