Are your relationships more Bermuda Triangle or Bermuda Beach? Do you get sucked into turmoil with others or enjoy calm relationships?
In Part One of my post on triangle relationships I described how the roles of victim, villain, and rescuer result in rough relationship waters.
In this post we’ll explore two strategies to keep these damaging relationships from forming in the first place.
Problem One: We talk—but not to the right person.
Here’s a common way triangle relationships form: Something happens. We feel slighted or wronged. We’re fearful of making the problem bigger, so we bring our frustration to someone else—which nearly guarantees that the problem grows. By “third-partying” we’ve now involved someone else in our drama.
Here’s a typical real-life salon example:
Jan, the receptionist (and villain) scheduled Cindy’s client for a 45-minute hair appointment. Cindy (the victim) needed one hour, so this put her schedule behind and added stress to her day—and she was not a happy camper! She wanted to rush to her manager, Donna (the rescuer), who would confront Jan about her poor scheduling.
Cindy raised this during a coaching session, since she badly wanted to stop her pattern of forming triangles with co-workers. Cindy imagined what would happen if she brought the problem to her manager, Donna.
- Jan would feel reprimanded and blame Cindy.
- Jan would not trust Cindy.
- Cindy wouldn’t know Jan’s reasoning for scheduling the appointment for 45 minutes.
- Cindy and Jan’s relationship would be damaged.
Strategy One: Gain Self-Awareness & Self-Control
The first step in avoiding triangle relationships is gaining self-awareness and self-control. With coaching, Cindy noticed that by venting to Donna she would likely cause a triangle to form.
Here are some reflective questions that Cindy is learning to ask herself so that she can continue to gain self-control and keep triangles from forming:
- What is upsetting me?
- What assumptions am I making?
- Can I let this go?
- Who is the best person for me to talk with so that I can maintain good relationships and resolve this issue?
- What might be the impact of that conversation?
When Cindy recognized her role in this triangle she was able to stop a triangle from forming. By anticipating the impact of her actions she could then explore her options. Cindy also learned that by waiting a few days to process the issue and calm down, she could better figure out how to address it.
Problem Two: Gossip
How often have we heard someone gossip about a friend, family member or colleague? It can make us squirm with discomfort and uncertainty about what to say. Or maybe we see someone looking upset and we ask, “Seems like something is bothering you. Can I help?” And then they dump their problem right in our lap. Now what? How can we be there for them without forming an unproductive triangle?
Strategy Two: Listen and Coach
The first thing we might do, when we’re on the receiving end of gossip, is to listen. Sometimes the other person just needs to be heard. To listen without forming a triangle it helps to refrain from agreeing or disagreeing. It might sound like this:
You sound pretty upset about this.
I can see how this adds stress to your day.
The second thing we can do is to help the person consider their options (which I would call coaching). We can do this by first asking, “Would you like my help with this?” If they agree then we can ask powerful questions to help them gain clarity. This works best when we withhold our opinion and stay focused on their needs. Here’s how this might sound:
So, what do you think might have been going on with Jan to cause her to not schedule your client for the full hour?
What do you want to do about this? Then, what might happen?
Here are two posts on gossip that add further light to this issue:
Can Leaders Put a Stop to Gossip
The Gossip Vortex: Do you Get Sucked In
When we talk to the right person, use self-awareness and self-control, notice how our actions might lead to triangles, and handle gossip well we can keep those destructive triangles at bay.
I’d say it’s up to each of us to make choices that help our relationships to feel as warm and inviting as a day on a pink Bermuda beach. What would you say?
Dear Jamie,
A truly insightful post. I appreciate your ideas of deforming triangle of relationship. I agree with you on Assumption, anticipation and impact. I think among villain, victim and rescuer, if any two assume the concept of AAI (assumption, anticipation and impact), then it will prevent forming triangle of relationship. Here, rescuer can play bigger role by explaining the situation of victim to villain. The rescuer plays the middleman role, so he or she can minimize the difference between villain and victim.
One strong reason why triangle of relationship form is our emotional response to the target. If we like the target, whoever it is, we tend to support it. Similarly, if we do not like someone, we tend to be uncooperative with other. Therefore, our emotional intelligence and emotional response determine whether we are villain, victim or rescuer.
Thanks, Ajay, for another thoughtful comment! I agree with you about our emotional intelligence and emotional response being key here. I guess I’d add that it helps for us to learn how to put personal relationships aside and not bring them into our work dynamics. This helps us to focus on what the workplace environment and mission most needs.
I’ve tried all angles…tried to talk with the person…who is my boss…and they end up on the defensive and start to get teary eyed and cry! NOW what?
Good for you for trying to express your feelings to your boss. I’m sorry the result wasn’t what you hoped for. One of my favorite sayings by Barbara Sanderson is, “Be open to the outcome, not attached to the outcome.” You’ve put it out there and it may take time to sink in or nothing may change. I’m not sure what the issue is and what result you’re after, but talking with a boss can be quite challenging for all of us. I offer a 30-minute complimentary session so please get in touch if you’d like to take advantage of that to process this further.
Jamie,
Your article hits the nail on the head! It was fate I saw this article. I worked in salons for 10 years but now I am in an advertising and marketing firm (sounds big, but there are only 5 employees, including myself and the owner). The company is not stuck in a bermuda triangle, it is a tsunami in Bermuda. The owner and Manger of the company are brother and sister. There is a serious communication issue with every single employee. The Boss goes back on his word, puts the blame on people who were not responsible for the issues, it just goes on and on and the accusations get worse and worse. We are “contracted” but are treated as employees; extra curricular events is required attendance and if you do not attend your pay is cut. There are required 9am DAILY staff meetings (if we do not attend, pay is cut). If you are not at work early, your pay is cut. But we are “contracted”….
My husband is the Account Manager/Sales Manager and if his pay is cut from any of the above things, it is coming out of his pay which is 100% commission.
There was an issue with our magazine distribution, which for 2 years I was in charge of. Since this past October, it was delegated to my husband, the Account Manager, because I was then assigned to work the Reception, which is mainly processing orders, inventory, and customer satisfaction.
Last week my boss finally hired someone to just concentrate on the distribution of the magazines. My boss had been saying he would for over a year and finally did! When the new guy comes back with out of date magazines and beat up stands (stands are what we display our magazines in)
I was, and still am, receiving the wrath of Satan upon me. And not just the boss but his sister as well.
I apologized and wanted to move on. The magazines that were out of date were from the months I was working the office and the responsibility of the magazines were no longer on my shoulders.
BUT he decided he had never said that the magazines were no longer my responsibility, instead he wanted to deduct 200 dollars from my week’s pay. My husband talked him out of it but my boss said to my husband “If you give me that iPad you’re going to sell for 100 dollars I won’t deduct her pay”. My husband then gave him the iPad and my boss then says “I’ll only deduct 50 dollars”. My husband put his foot down and said if there is any pay deduction we are no longer working for this company. So in the end no money was taken out, but I have been getting death stares from his sister (manager of the office), being treated completely different. I know him and his sister are trying to push my husband and I out with all of these “rules”-with pay deductions.
If you have ANY advice on how to handle this, please let me know. I am so unhappy with work. I used to wake up every morning and be excited to start my work day. Now, I end up going outside just to cry in my car out of frustration, in the middle of the work day!
I worked in Salons for 10 years! I can handle some abuse! I have had to deal with some wild Salon owners, but this guy, along with his sister, beats them out ten fold.
Thank you for reading my rant.
Amanda, I’m so sorry you’re going though such a difficult time at work. It’s hard to give advice without talking with you but one thought I have is that your workplace would be greatly improved by the establishment of clear expectations. If money is deducted from your salary you should know that in advance and not be caught by surprise. I offer a complimentary 30-minute session so please get in touch if that sounds like it might be helpful. Hope things get better for you and your husband or that you find another job!