Five Ways Leaders Can Develop a Thick Skin

When a leader I admire used a Facebook status update to respond to public criticism, I thought, “She’s gotta get a thicker skin.”

If you’re a leader you know what I mean. It can get pretty darn rough out there. People talk about us. They disagree with our decisions. We walk into the staff lounge and the sudden silence gives us a chill. Some of the barbed comments find their way back to us when a “helpful” employee just wants us to know what the masses are thinking.

What’s a leader to do with all of this criticism?

When I was a novice principal I received a hateful letter from an anonymous source. Reading it left me shaken and uncertain. Did this mean I wasn’t doing a good job? Did I need to change the way I was leading? I considered the message as objectively as possible before discarding it, not wanting the harsh words to take hold of me. This was about 15 years ago and I still recall how criticism chipped away at my growing confidence.

In this age of electronic media, criticism comes in many forms and quickly multiplies with the click of a mouse. There are endless opportunities for the dissatisfied to namelessly vent. The more public our position, the more feathers we ruffle.

As my leadership skills grew I gained comfort with confrontation and even encouraged it. I was more willing to let direct feedback get under my skin than the anonymous kind. But, whether the source is known or unknown it takes practice to learn to deal with disagreement. When we can listen without defensiveness and open the door to feedback we foster healthy and direct communication.

Leaders need to toughen up.

In my early leadership days a mentor suggested I toughen up a bit. I wasn’t sure what this even meant or how to develop a thick skin. But I did know that I couldn’t lead with confidence—or get a good night’s sleep—while feeling burdened by the weight of criticism. I needed to find a way to handle the hurtful attacks. Imagining an elephant helped.

Picture an elephant’s trunk spraying water down its back, the cascading droplets just skimming the elephant’s hide. I needed that kind of thicker skin. But, developing a thick skin, where hurts don’t penetrate, doesn’t come as naturally to leaders as it does to elephants. It takes practice, patience, and a few attitudinal shifts.

Here are five tips for developing a thick skin.

• Don’t take it personally. Remember that those who oppose us or have differing views have their own context. Their disagreement is best understood when we know what they value, fear, and want. This helps us to remember that it’s not always about us.

• Rise above criticism. Resist digging, to find out more, or testing the validity of criticism by venting to others in the workplace. Take the leadership high road.

• Be open to change. Often there is a gem of truth in criticism. Be as objective as possible and mine for that truth and be willing to change as a result of knowing it.

• Share with one trusted person. When we have even one trusted “go to” person, who will hold our pain without judgment, we are reminded that we’re not alone. We receive the gift of affirmation that we’re on the right path and the strength to continue.

• Develop a stronger heart. When we open our heart to our critics we have compassion for the pain they are experiencing and the life they are leading. As the quote below says: Some people say you need to develop a thicker skin to deal with mean people. I think it makes more sense to develop a stronger heart.

Leaders who help their organizations grow will always have haters. People are so resistant to change that they will stoop to gossip and nastiness to stop it. When using these five tips leaders can grow a thicker skin. With practice and time this will allow hurts and insults to roll off like water down an elephant’s hide.

I’d say that developing a thick skin is an essential part of a leader’s growth, since we can’t put positive energy into leading when we’re putting negative energy into worrying about what others think. What would you say?

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Is “Never Stop Improving” Smart Advice?

Lowe’s tagline, “Never Stop Improving,” is haunting me. I see it plastered on the sides of moving boxes, stuffed with garage and office items salvaged from Hurricane Sandy, that have been littering our home for six months. I can’t stop rereading this message and keep wondering if “Never Stop Improving” is smart advice.

It’s easy to see why Lowe’s wants us to believe this. More improving equals more shopping equals more earning. But, is it helpful for leaders to adopt this point of view? How do we know when we’ve improved enough?

Know what we are improving

What do we want to improve? Is it a procedure, an outcome, an attitude, a skill, a relationship? When leaders are clear about what we want to improve we have a better shot at knowing when to stop.

Take Tina, for example. She’s been with our company for six months and needs to improve her interactions with customers. We coach Tina in one-on-ones, and spend money sending her to training because we want our customers to feel valued. With all of this effort Tina increases her positive customer interactions by about 30% and she still shows up in a rotten mood at least once a week. We like Tina and have invested in her hiring so we spend more money on even more training to keep Tina’s skills improving. Sometimes we’re so focused on the improvement effort that we miss the signs that Tina just isn’t the right fit for this position.  Our “Never Stop Improving” attitude can camouflage this bigger issue.

Know when good enough will do 

Constant improving can also be counterproductive. Imagine you’re training for a big race. You want to trim a few minutes from your running time. So you add sprints and increase your mileage. The next thing you know, you’ve got shin splints and the doctor says it’s from over-training.

A “Never Stop Improving” attitude creates a slippery slope where it’s hard to know when to stop. Consider cosmetic surgery. How many people venture into that world and don’t know when good enough will do. My fear is that if I started I’d get caught up in one more nip, tuck, or tweak and end up looking like Joan Rivers.

Maybe there’s a connection between perfectionism and “Never Stop Improving?” Could it be that “Never Stop Improving” is the hiding place for perfectionists? Perfectionists may believe they are improving and think that it’s always a good thing.

There was a time in my life when I believed that too. Not any longer. I love how author and researcher Brené Brown expresses this. She aspires to be a, “recovering perfectionist and an aspiring good-enoughist.”

“Never Stop Improving” is a good idea gone bad. Improving—good. Never stop—bad.

I’d say that when leaders are aware that not all improving is good we can stop before we slip over the counterproductive and over-improving edge. What would you say?

Here’s a related post, by Dennis Sparks, that speaks to how this shows up for educational leaders.

image from Google Images

What’s Your Communication Number?

Can you top this? I have 3 email addresses, 2 phone numbers, 1 account each of Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn, 1 snail mail address, and oh, this blog. That totals 10 ways someone can get a message to me.

With so many competing choices it’s no wonder communication goes awry, causing conflict and rupturing relationships. Having an authentic dialogue is tricky enough when two people are face-to-face. So, how can we manage to communicate clearly with all of these options?

How do our communication choices play out in life?

Communication confusion became apparent to me during a recent car negotiation. The sales guy, “Chuck,” called my landline and left a voicemail message. I returned his call and left a message. He called back and left me another message. I returned the call and left yet another message. That was four calls, four messages and no progress!

My older son, among others of his generation, has stopped using voicemail altogether. He told me, “Mom, don’t even bother leaving me a message. It’s just not an efficient way to communicate with me.” I respect his clear request and have learned that the best way to connect with him is via email, text, or Facebook. If you’re a non-voicemail person you might want to consider changing your message to something like this: I’m not available now. I check these messages infrequently and will reply more quickly to an email.

Others, for whom English is not their first language, may understandably find it tough to get their point across when writing in English. Finding the right words and struggling with grammar can also lead to hesitation, discomfort, and maybe even embarrassment. Since talking in a second language comes before writing in one, leaving a voicemail is much easier than writing an email or text and would also probably result in clearer communication. I can’t write in their language so why would I expect them to write in mine?

Is it O.K. to let someone know which communication method we prefer?

Being quick on a keyboard when using all 10 fingers, I find texting tedious so I let my friends and family know that it’s my least preferred method for exchanging messages. I told the car salesman that I’d prefer we work out the details via email, to which he replied, “Yeah, but I hate email.” So he leaves voicemails and I reply with emails. What about you? Would you let someone know the method that works best for you?

Which way of communicating is best?

Whose way of communicating is right? The best answer to this question is that it depends on the preferences of those doing the communicating. (The purpose of communication matters too but that’s another topic entirely.) When we take time to learn the other person’s preferences and match them to what works for us we can then set clear expectations about how we will communicate. Does this sound like a lot to figure out? It may be a lot up front, but without setting these expectations we are likely to create more communication confusion in the long run.

How do we decide which of the competing methods to use? I’d say that a good place to start is to communicate about how we’ll communicate.  What would you say?

So, what’s your communication number? Take a moment to click on the poll below to share how many ways someone can get a message to you.

Image courtesy of emptyglass at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Related articles

• Are you still checking voice mail? (cbsnews.com)
• Is Voice Mail Going the Way of the Rotary Phone? (stlouis.cbslocal.com)
• Connected, But Not In Contact: The Future Of Online Etiquette (drapersden.com)

What do Birthday Celebrations Say About Your Workplace?

Picture a school staff singing their way into a crowded lunchroom to surprise their principal, holding a birthday cake topped with 50 blazing candles. That principal was me and it’s hard to imagine a better place to have reached that milestone than a primary school where birthdays are a joyful rite and cupcakes were delivered daily to my office by gap-toothed birthday kids. In a school of 450 students it was always someone’s birthday.

Outside of the workplace my husband, friends and family made my 50th birthday memorable. I was touched when my colleagues did the same.

What about you? Do you enjoy having coworkers or your boss join in the celebration? Or would you prefer that your workplace is a birthday-free zone? What role should leaders play in birthday celebrations? What about policy?

What’s your workplace birthday culture?

How birthdays are celebrated can be a reflection of our workplace culture. As you read these four examples consider what you think each workplace values.

• By the Book: A friend who works in a nonprofit agency noticed there is an entire section devoted to birthday celebrations in the employee handbook. As specified, she received a card signed by all 55 of her coworkers and a lunch out, with her boss treating that month’s birthday folks. When I asked how she felt about this she sighed, “It seems like I’m constantly signing birthday cards.” (This could be a culture that values fairness and equity.)

• Anything Goes: Other workplaces have random celebrations that crop up like helium-filled balloons. Sometimes groups go out for lunch, others have cake in the office. Different celebrations result for different people. Do these random approaches generate jealousy and envy? Or do they promote teamwork when every pitches into the planning process? Or resentment when the same people do the planning each time? (This could be a culture that values independence and perhaps, teamwork.)

• It’s My Party: Yet another option is leave the celebration and treats up to the birthday person to provide. The upside is that those who would prefer to leave their birthdays out of the workplace can easily opt out. And those who want a big splash can provide it for themselves. It sounds a bit weird to bring one’s own treats but I’ve seen this work quite well. (This could be a culture that values individuality.)

• The Leader Leads: I worked in one school district where the school superintendent transported a special ice cream cake from Boston to New Jersey for each central office employee’s birthday. I’ll never forget the shocked faces when a 75-year-old secretary took her first bite and moaned, “This is better than sex!” Another superintendent cooked breakfast casseroles and carved time out of meetings to celebrate each administrator’s birthday. Is it a coincidence that these were my two most collaborative and team-oriented work experiences? (This could be a culture that values togetherness and connection.)

Which of these workplaces match your expectation and preference? How does your workplace celebrate birthdays? What could that say about the culture? Have the celebrations ever gotten out of hand and reduced productivity?

Maybe spending much of my adult life with kids has helped me hold onto my child-like birthday spirit. There’s just so much to disagree about in the workplace that taking a few minutes out of the day to celebrate a co-worker seems to restore some balance.

So, I’d say that birthday celebrations can be a reflection of our workplace culture. What would you say?

Curious about what others think? Take this quick poll to find out and leave a comment with your thoughts.

Do You Open the Door to Employee Feedback?

If your employer opened the door to honest feedback would you enter? What conditions would need to be in place so you would feel safe speaking up?

Here’s a true workplace story that shows that it is possible to create a culture where employees speak, employers listen, and change happens.

A rough start.

After having her own business for 15 years, Shay took a job with a local company. She was thrown into a workplace where most employees had been there for many years—except for the new manager who had hired her in hopes of breathing new life into an established business. For Shay, connecting with her coworkers felt more like befriending a skunk. They suspiciously eyed her as if she were a predator invading their territory.

Naturally enthusiastic, highly creative, and a hard worker, Shay was filled with ideas for growing the business and improving the workplace. Sadly, every initiative she undertook was met with, “That’s not how we do it here.” “The chickens are clucking again,” she would lament to her supervisor, when the old timers tried to tamp down her spirit. Shay was hired for her expertise, yet cut off by her workmates at every turn.

The leadership team invited feedback often.

Shay was impressed with the top-notch customer service training she received, but saw that the company lacked clearly defined responsibilities or any expectations for teamwork. This made for a very frustrating start to a new job.

From her very first day of training the leadership team invited Shay’s opinion. Meetings would end with an invitation to, “Let us know what’s working for you or how we can help.” So, when Shay’s six-month review arrived she felt safe in honestly describing her challenges on the detailed feedback questionnaire she was given. After having had her own business she could see how the company was functioning well in many ways, but was a hot mess in many others.  She had to make a decision: Speak up or walk away?

Shay wasn’t sure if her honesty would result in a dismissal or promotion. Could she trust that the leaders really wanted to hear what she had to say? She would soon find out.

About a month after submitting her feedback, the owner of the company invited Shay to meet. During their nearly two-hour conversation he asked thoughtful questions and more importantly, listened deeply to Shay’s experience. Now, six months later, there is a new mentoring and orientation program in Shay’s company—thanks to Shay’s courage in speaking up—and her leader’s courage in asking!

What happens in your workplace?

Do you know what your employees really think about your workplace culture, procedures, and your leadership? When was the last time you really asked them? Would they tell you? How do you listen to what you hear? What, if anything, changes?

This is scary stuff. Leaders are often happy going along doing what we think is best, regardless of the impact on our employees. We may feel terrified to ask, for fear of what we may learn, especially when the feedback is a direct result of our leadership (or lack of it). Since the leader’s leadership is typically the least talked about topic inside of the workplace, and the most talked about topic in the parking lot, it takes frequent invitations and non-reactive listening to bring this topic out into the open.

Five employee to employer feedback tips.

Shay’s story can be replicated by other leaders when we maintain an open door policy, not just for our offices but also for the way we invite and receive feedback. Here are five tips that can help:

• Ask often: Invitations for feedback need to be repeated often so that people have multiple opportunities and begin to believe that we really do want to hear what they think.

• Ask specific questions: Rather than saying, “Tell me what you think,” people might be more willing to respond when questions are a bit more specific, such as: What’s working well for you? What is making it harder for you to succeed? What can I do to support you more?

• Listen fully: As Stephen Covey said, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” When we first listen so that we fully understand someone’s point of view we can then be more thoughtful in our response.

• Be open: When we listen with curiosity, rather than defensiveness, we have our best chance of understanding the employee’s perspective and recognizing what needs to change.

• Do something: When leaders invite feedback and nothing changes, the conversations will move back to the parking lot. Taking action based on feedback is what keeps the door open to conversation.

When leaders invite feedback, listen deeply and then respond with action, we create a feedback culture that improves the workplace for everyone. So, I’d say that not only is Shay a model of courage and honesty, but her employers are too.  What would you say?

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Fired or Freed?

“I wasn’t fired, I was freed,” declared my coaching colleague, Erica Loren, as she told me how being fired from a career in healthcare opened her to a new career and joy. “Getting fired relieved me from a position that was out of alignment with who I had become and gave me the opportunity to show up with integrity and authenticity.”

Erica, I agree! Being fired can be freeing. The same goes for dropping out of school or getting dumped. It’s all in how we frame our experience.

If Erica’s story doesn’t convince you, consider what Oprah, Steve Jobs, and Walt Disney have in common. They were all fired early in their careers. Legend has it that being fired paved the way for them to each find their true calling.

What feelings does getting fired stir up in you?

“What! I don’t deserve this,” is a natural reaction to being fired. This morphs into feeling like we’ve failed, which can turn into feeling we are flawed. Best-selling author and researcher, Brené Brown, helped me recognize the element of shame in this experience. Here’s how Brené defines shame:

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.

When we view getting fired from a place of shame that makes it nearly impossible to feel freed. If we break into a cold sweat when asked the simple question, “So, what do you do?” it’s a sure sign that shame is lurking. We want to hide out so no one can discover how we came to be unemployed.

Brené Brown writes about how shame survives on silence and secrecy. In order to move past shame and move into learning, Brené says the best thing to do is “practice courage and reach out” to a friend who we can trust to show up with compassion. Then we will be ready to re-frame being fired and instead see that being fired is what creates the possibility and space to find a career (or relationship) that will give us what we need. This can profoundly shift our energy in a positive direction.

What can we learn from being fired?

In the same way that a fairy tale has a moral, every past job has a story with its very own lesson. When we find the lesson we can take this learning into our next job.

Finishing the sentences below gives us a few places to look:

• The job wasn’t the right fit for me because…
• I didn’t get what I needed in my workplace, such as…
• My values didn’t align with the organization or leaders, for example…

Look for the light.

As Leonard Cohen famously sings,

“There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

When we view being fired as a crack in our career path we can then begin to allow the light of learning and opportunity to get in. Patience, good friends, self-reflection and a few flips of the calendar can help us make this shift.

So, I’d say that when we let go of shame and allow the light of learning in, we can transform being fired into being freed. Then we can find our true passion. What would you say?

P.S. Here’s an inspiring video highlighting some notable failures. And, if you’d like to learn more about shame (perfectionism and other topics) I highly recommend Brené Brown’s books.

Images from Google images

From Problems to Progress: The Tulips at the End of the Tunnel

It’s been more than five months since Hurricane Sandy devastated our town and flooded the lower level of our home. We are faced with new problems daily in the form of uninsured expenses, contractor delays and higher than normal tides that have totaled several neighbor’s cars. Driving through town feels more like a war zone than a beach community. Buildings are boarded up or being torn down.

Still, I trudge through sand-covered sidewalks, committed to frequent power walks. My eye is drawn to the tarp-covered roof here, shattered windows there, and barren landscape everywhere. Being on the tail end of winter doesn’t help. I wasn’t feeling my usual burst of energy from these outings and wondered,  “What’s going on?”

Even though there are small signs of recovery, I realized my eyes kept seeking out the problems, over-focusing on the devastation. This awareness helped me to shift my focus so that as I head outdoors I now silently remind myself, “Look for the signs of progress.”

They are there. I am starting to appreciate that a collapsed house, now a pile of rubble, is about to be carted away—and that’s progress. From having no operating businesses a few months ago, we now have a Dunkin’ Donuts, a few restaurants, and a hardware store. While our downstairs is still mostly two by fours, we had a delivery of sheet rock today. All signs of progress.

We can shift our focus from problems to progress.

Leaders and managers can also get caught up in focusing on problems without appreciating progress. This feels defeating, like climbing a mountain and never reaching the top. Even when our victories are small they are worth celebrating. My first coach, Diana, taught me this when she began our weekly sessions by asking, “What’s been going well for you this
week?” Early in our coaching this question would stop me in my tracks. As time went on our mini-celebrations were habit-forming and I started stealing her idea, beginning meetings in the same way. What a difference this made in maintaining my (and my team’s) momentum and positive energy.

When was the last time you looked at your projects, organization, or even relationships and asked yourself, “What’s going great here?”

Learn to look for signs of hope and progress.

As I returned from a recent walk I was stunned to see tips of tulip leaves and even some buds peeking out from under the sand. This cycle of renewal shook the pessimism from my brain.  If tulips can bloom, in spite of being drowned in salt water, I can recover too.

Later that day a huge smile lit up my face when I read about the college students from Austin Peay University in Clarksville, Tennessee who chose to spend their spring break here in Sea Bright shoveling sand and scraping up tile. It’s hard to stay down when so much goodness abounds. I can see the tulips at the end of the tunnel.

Where do you find yourself focusing on problems? What would it take for you to habitually notice and celebrate signs of progress? What might happen once you did?

So, I’d say that when we move from a focus on problems to a conscious effort to focus on progress, it helps us to move from despair to hope.  What would you say?

Interested in my other posts related to Hurricane Sandy? Until listing them here I had no idea there were so many!

• Hurricane Sandy, I’m Ready
• Hurricane Sandy Lessons…So Far
• Hurricane Sandy is Not a Giraffe
• In the Aftermath of Hurricane Sandy—Words Matter
• After Hurricane Sandy People Move on and Connection Counts More
• Leaders Emerge in the Midst of Disaster
• Back Home After Hurricane Sandy—Perspectives Shift
• Students and Teachers Find “New Normal” in Wake of Sandy
• A Small and Happy Post Sandy Story

Top image courtesy of foto76 /FreeDigitalPhotos.net